carolyn | getting your first born ready for the arrival of twins

I am only a few weeks away from delivering my twin boys. We have a four year old and I just want to make sure that he will be prepared for their arrival as well. What can I do to make sure he won’t feel totally left out or sad. Thanks!

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your babies.  You will have your hands full and being proactive with your 4-year-old is wise.

Begin by understanding his stage of development.  Four-year-olds generally move their bodies, react to situations, and express emotions in exaggerated ways.  Expect this and do not demand that he behave differently or worry unnecessarily.  Rein in behaviors that are unsafe to him or his brothers, but do not demand a still and quiet boy (unless that is his innate nature), because you cannot reasonably enforce that standard.

Frontload your son with information about your hospitalization and who will be caring for him.  For example: “I will be going to the hospital on Thursday.  Grandma is going to take care of you. We will call and tell you when your brothers are born and Grandma will bring you to the hospital.”  Let him know how many days you expect to stay, who will care for him and information about continued help when you return home. If you can, take the opportunity to visit the hospital in advance so your son can visualize where you are and feel confident that you are safe and taken care of.

Talk with him about people who will come to visit when you arrive home. Tell him that some guests will bring gifts to the babies, and let him know that visitors brought gifts to him when he was born. Allow him to open the packages if he would like.  Do not require him to sit with guests, but allow him to participate if he chooses.  If possible, speak with visitors and request that they greet your 4-year-old before turning their attention to the babies.  Your older son, might even be given the opportunity to introduce his brothers.

Prioritize your son’s schedule to the greatest degree possible.  Life will be disrupted and he needs to be able to count on his routine: school, playdates, etc.  Ask for help with transportation if necessary, but alert him to changes ahead of time.  Maintain his naps or quiet times, bedtime and routines.  Rest will benefit everyone in the household.

Ask for help with the babies so you can continue to dependably provide at least one focused care giving activity for your preschooler, such as bath or bedtime.  Sit down for a snack or meal with him daily.  Let the babies wait a few minutes if they begin to fuss when you are attending to your older child. Willingly giving your attention will minimize your son’s need to engage you with negative behaviors.

Anticipate demands for attention when you sit down to feed the babies.  Put together a basket of special things that your son can play with independently.  Maintain your son’s interest in the basket’s contents by limiting its access to specific times and adding a few new items from time-to-time.

Acknowledge the changes in the household.  Pay attention to your son’s efforts and thank him for his consideration.  Validate his frustrations.  Make sure you tell him that sometimes you miss spending time with just him, and invite him to go out for a walk or other outing with you alone.  Encourage his dad to do the same.

Let him know that life will not feel disrupted forever and that you will all help each other and the babies adjust to living in your family, and be sure he knows that he is always your very special, first born son.

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