How do you advise parents to deal with grandparents whose habits go against parents’ rules? I’m thinking, for example, of toy guns (if parents don’t permit them), perhaps movies that are a little too mature, sugary cereal, etc. Some parenting experts seem to advocate an “anything goes at Grandma’s” approach; others feel that the lapse in consistency can be a problem.
Begin by choosing your “hills-to-die-on.” Toy guns and R-rated movies might be a moral issue for you, where as sugary cereal and late bedtimes might feel more flexible. Issues of health and safety are non-negotiable at all times no matter who is caring for your child – car seats, seat belts, protective gear for sports, unsupervised play, health-related dietary restrictions, medications, etc, are not open to philosophical discussion.
One of the biggest challenges can come in the communication regarding your differences. Grandparents can be particularly touchy because they may feel you are accusing them, or rejecting the way you or your spouse was raised. Be sensitive to this when approaching issues. Acknowledge that you see things differently and state your “because.” Recognize that your views might be a result of generational or societal changes, experience, or even your own neuroses. Use humor to deflect tensions, “I know this might seem over-the-top to you. I am wondering just what my kids will say about me when they grow-up. I am saving for their therapy.”
Consistency of approach is only a real concern if Grandma is among your child’s primary caregivers. If this is the case, you need to present a united front. If parents and grandparents cannot agree, parents need to find alternative childcare, rather than compromise the family relationship.
If Grandma is “just for fun” your child can easily understand that rules at Grandma’s are more lenient than at home. Parents can celebrate the good time at Grandma’s, but remind the child that the house rules are different by saying, “isn’t it great that you can do that with Grandma, but we don’t do that at our house.”
Finally, don’t forget to express your gratitude – and teach your child to do the same – for a grandparent is who is willing and able to offer care. A loving grandparent is an immeasurable blessing.
Send your questions to Carolyn@engagetoday.com
Toni Danielson, ad agency working mom of a big brown-eyed little man, wife to an amazing husband, Digital Media Lover. Blogger. Infographic-obsessed. Expat. Happy Hour Mom. BBall Wife. Not all in that order. Join me in my journey to become the ultimate Happy Hour Mom!
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